The %100 Match - Are you? . By Lantern Lane ©2013 Feb.
We often hear, “I’m looking for my match, I’m looking for my equal, I want a person who is whole, I don’t want baggage, I want a person who is 100% there in the relationship.” What does this all mean? Does it mean perfection in every aspect, or can there be flaws and things that don’t equal up, or match or be 100% perfect? How can anyone expect 100% from another if they aren’t that themselves?
This girl I know, had been asked out on a Saturday night, she was dressed like a million bucks, ready to meet this man for the first time that she had met online. They had talked on the phone, and been texting, and he knew instantly that they were a match. He couldn’t ask for more.
He had sent her a picture of him in his “perfect condition” all buffed, and attractive. He did tell her though that he had put on 100 pounds since that picture, and said he wanted to be open and honest. The girl consoled him, that it was alright, that she would take him at face value, and not compare him to his picture. They went out, and he was whooped over her instantly. They seemed to get along alright, and he was open and honest about everything.
Here is where the division started happening. The guy knew that she was at a higher level than he was, in every aspect. She had a job, he was on disability, she had worked on her health and fitness, he had not. She was very spiritual, and doing things to better her, he was not, she cared about the finer things in life and had manners, he was happy to talk about vulgar things on their first date at dinner. She was very compassionate for people in general, so started justifying and excusing him for his lack of being up to par of what he could have been.
He used flattering words, because the void he felt, if he could tell her how beautiful she was, smart, sexy, and the best date he’d ever gone out with, perhaps she would ignore his issues, perhaps she would like him more, and validate him, and excuse what he wasn’t. He told her, “You are the best woman that I could ever hope to find, or ask for,” which is probably true. She was. There are probably not too many at the level that she was at, that would give this guy a chance. However she decided to put her walls down and date someone that she wouldn’t normally consider, as the ones that were worthy of her, didn’t always act interested.
This man’s insecurities could eventually weigh her down, with the responsibility that she had to be building him up, making him feel good about himself. He told her he was sorry that he had a huge belly, and then told her that no woman really ever talks to him, like she had. This is a flag of neediness. What would he do, if they did get together, and she was having a bad day? Would he be upset at her, for not being able to give back to him emotionally? Not being able to validate him? He needed to be at her 100% to have a good and healthy relationship. There could never be equality in this type of relationship, because he wanted someone that was more then what he was as a person.
When the levels of each person don’t match, and some days in any relationship, they can match or not, it’s important that each find their best 100%, otherwise it becomes draining on the partner that has to give the additional percentage, and the validation. Both men and women can fall into this category of being the empty part of the relationship, rather than filling up their own cup of joy.
What does 100% consists of:
- Making your happiness first. It’s hard to rely on others to validate who you are. Be happy in the moment and okay with yourself.
- Use I am statements each day, and be honest with yourself. What do you know to be true about you?
- Rid yourself of any negative, derogatory comments that may be an attack on yourself or someone else. This says…”I’m insecure with myself, and my relationship with others.” These comments are huge signs of unhappiness, and put a sign on you that you have a flaw, or when being negative about others, doesn’t make them look bad, it makes you look bad. Remember this quote, “If you can’t be big, don’t belittle”-author unknown.
- Ask yourself, “Am I who I really want to be today?” If not, take the initiative to change it. Be accepting of yourself where you are at too. Try to be realistic but positive. Positive attitudes are easier to be around then negative, and let your best light shine forward. Happiness is attractive.
- Remember, You take yourself wherever you go, so another person can’t make you a better man or woman. Only you can make yourself that.
- Accept compliments when they come graciously, but try not to rely on them as the total validation of who you are. You know who you are, and comments about you, good or bad, are an opinion, and may be true, may not be, but put it in perspective. It’s just an opinion.
- If you expect someone to be sweet, kind and communicative be that way. You can’t expect perfection, and not be that way yourself. No one can complete you, you complete you.
- If you expect someone to be fit, and energized, and full of life, be that way yourself. Or work on that together if you both choose.
- Don’t prey on the prize! Be the prize. Eventually if you are not up to par as a person, and they are, you may be the only one that rises up in and is uplifted, and it becomes a burden on the other, who eventually will get drained from always having to pick you up. This could in turn bring them down to a lower level then they started at.
- In long term relationships, the ones that seem to be the healthiest, and happiest,and longest lasting are then ones where both partners are giving their 100% to the relationship, but more importantly they start with being a 100% person themselves.
Of course there may be unforeseen circumstances at times, where a partner needs to be the strong one, but chances are, the one that’s on empty, sure doesn’t want to be there, so it’s important to not put blame on them, that they are not pulling their share. They will be up again, be encouraging at those times. to the person who is temporarily down, due to illness, mental, physical, lack of sleep, etc.
At those times, the 100% of effort of the healthy one, may need to go up to 200%, it may be a challenge, but be willing to rise to the occasion. The one who is down can be 100% appreciative, and that’s good enough. Gratitude goes far, as if they were at a full functioning 100%. Keep in focus of where you want to be. Our Best can change from day to day, but try and be the best 100% you can be for the conditions that you are in.
If both partners are at their 100% they can be giving to each other, 100% of the time, and always have more to give, because they weren’t relying on another for their personal happiness, and their love then becomes unconditional, because they truly love themselves.
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